Truth or Dare
by Fantasiaa
Summary: Hijikata wakes up in a dark room, with a killer headache, and of course it had to be Sougo who was with him. Wait, doesn't this plotline seem sort of familiar? The -male- cast of Gintama play truth or dare.Crack Pairings, boyxboy, spoilers to ep.148 & 149
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** What if. All the males. Of Gintama. Gathered. To play. Truth or Dare. Well, that's exactly what this story is about. This first chapter actually doesn't really even mention Truth or Dare, it's basically just setting the stage for what is to come (;  
>More characters will be added later on in the story.<br>Please enjoy! :)

**Summary:** Hijikata wakes up in a dark, dusty room. With Sougo as his company. His head hurts, and he has trouble remembering what happened.  
>Wait. Hasn't this situation already happened before?<p>

**Warning: **Spoilers for Gintama Episodes 148 and 149. If you haven't watched it, you may not get some of the content in this chapter.  
>Wait what am I saying, if you haven't watched it, GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. Trust me, you're missing out.<p>

**Disclaimer:** Man... if I owned Gintama... *goes off into dreamland*

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><p><strong>Chapter 1. <strong>Sometimes Time Well Spent is Time Spent Alone

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><p>Hijikata's head hurt like a bitch.<p>

No, it was worse.

Like a bitch on her period experiencing roid rage.

That was how bad it was.

He cracked open an eye, and instead of the comfort of his room in the Shinsengumi headquarters, he was greeted with a dark, broken down room that seemed to be made out of concrete.

What?

_Maybe I'm having a dream. That must be it. I'll just pinch myself, and I'll wake up in my room. Yeah, that's exactly what'll happen._

He proceeded to pinch himself on the arm –

_Wait. What? What the hell? My arms… they're… restrained? _

His eyes immediately snapped open as he shot up in a slight panic (slight, because he, the Demon Vice Chief never got full-out panicked – _ever_).

The sound of a skull cracking and metal crumpling echoed around the room, followed by a stream of loud and obscene cursing (of which will not be listed, in consideration of those who are easily offended).

"You know… somebody could have told me I was in a _metal locker_…" he uttered, sinking limply to his knees, blood flowing down his face. His head fucking _hurt._ It hurt so much you couldn't even describe it in terms of bitches and steroids anymore.

_Does the author hate me? Does she have something against my head? Is something about my head offensive?_

"No, I don't think it's your head Hijikata-san. Maybe it's your face, that thing is quite offensive." replied an innocent voice. A voice he knew all too well.

"Oi, Sougo. Could you not read my mind?" he growled, a vein popping on the side of his forehead, completely ready to kill the person who had just magically popped up in front of him (who, now that he thought about it, could possibly be the only person he had to help him escape from where ever the hell he was.)

"Hijikata-san, killing me won't help you in any way. And you've suffered more brain damage than I first thought, I never thought you'd become so dumb that you'd think I could help you escape… that's an all time low for you."

"Shut up! And stop reading my mind. It's kind of freaking me out."

"_I'm not reading your mind, Hijikata-san." _the amiable Sougo thought sincerely.

"... I don't want to read your mind either. And don't mess with the descriptions goddamnit! In what world are you amiable?" snarled the irritable, ugly, soon-to-be-ex-vice-chief.

"Didn't you know? I was always likeable." explained the kind, angelic, God-like, amazing –

"I SAID STOP MESSING WITH THE DESCRIPTIONS! And what's 'soon-to-be-ex-vice-chief' supposed to mean? Don't you even try pretending to be innocent, I'll kill you, you little son of a – "

"I don't think you're in the position to threaten me, Hijikata-san." said the brunette, pointing at Hijikata's cuffed hands.

The little sadist had a point there.

" So, uhh, where are we, Sougo?" asked the vice-chief, deliberately changing the subject back to the dilemma at hand. "How'd we get here? And how – wait. Doesn't this situation seem sort of familiar to you? Like it's happened before?"

"What could you possibly be talking about? I don't know what happened either. You must have hit your head really hard, Hijikata-san. Maybe you should sit down." the boy replied, all wide-eyed innocence.

"I'm already on the ground, I don't think I need to sit down." Hijikata groaned, struggling slowly to his feet (careful not to let anything come into contact with his head this time), and stepped out of the locker, taking in his surroundings.

The medium-sized room had one barred window, letting moonlight filter in, providing the only light source they had. It seemed his hands were cuffed behind his back, with a fairly long chain leading back into the locker he was lying in. The room appeared to be surrounded by lockers, excluding the wall with the window on it, and the wall opposite that, which had a clock and what looked like a TV monitor mounted on it.

"Oi, Sougo, are you sure we've never been here before? I'm almost sure we spent two episodes in this room. Look, there's a clock, above a screen, just like before – " Hijikata began, only to see the clock being promptly smashed into smithereens with a well-aimed piece of rubble thrown by a certain sadistic freak.

"What clock? Was there a clock here? I don't see any clock."

There was a long pause.

"… No. There was definitely a clock. Until you destroyed it."

"You must be mentally ill, Hijikata-san. Here, let me fix that for you."

The ruby-eyed Shinsengumi captain proceeded to come at the raven-haired vice-chief with a large block of concrete.

"Stop that Sougo… No, I'm serious. Oi, you're going for my head, aren't you? You're actually trying to kill me, aren't you? Stop it… it's not fair to kill a man when he can't fight back, didn't Gori- I mean Kondo-san teach you that?" Hijikata said desperately, trying to dodge the attacks as best he could with the chain dragging behind him.

"Stop avoiding it, Hijikata-san. I'm only doing what's best for you." Sougo replied, not ceasing his assault.

"Come on Sougo, think this through, don't do anything rash now..." Hijikata trailed off, noticing something that was a little _off_ with the picture. "Wait. How come you're not chained? How come I'm the only one? Last time you were chained too… Hey, now that I think about it, the last time we woke up in this room, it was all a deliberate plan to torture me, wasn't it?"

He turned towards the brunette suspiciously, forgetting that Sougo still had the concrete in his hands, which had been striking closer to its target every swing he made.

Miraculously, Sougo didn't take the chance to kill him.

"Hmm… come to think of it, there was a pair of handcuffs lying next to me when I woke up in that box over there." the brunette replied, dropping the concrete to point at a rectangular wooden box in the corner of the room, hidden in the shadows.

"You just made that up right now didn't you. If there was a pair of handcuffs, they'd be on your wrists right now, not just lying in a box."

Hijikata sighed, mentally preparing himself for another two days of starvation, Chuuberts and Jigzaw.

_Clink._

"Okay, they're on."

Hijikata lifted his eyes from the dust on the ground he had been staring at to find a pair of hands handcuffed together shoved in his face.

Hands that belonged to none other than the one and only Okita Sougo.

"OOIIIII SOUGO! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" he screamed, eyes nearly popping out of their sockets.

"I just wanted you to trust me, Hijikata-san. If we want to work together, we have to trust each other, right?" purred the brunette, fluttering his eyelashes and smiling sweetly.

"LIKE HELL YOU WANT US TO WORK TOGETHER! Besides, you're not even wearing them right, you don't even have your hands behind your back, you little bastard!" roared Hijikata, fists itching to punch the sadist where it hurt the most.

"Aww, but that's not what you thought last time. Remember, you were all 'No Sougo don't die!' and 'We'll get out of here together!'" the captain pouted, barely concealing the troll-face his features had morphed into.

"… Someone, please kill me now… No, not literally. Sougo don't you dare come near me."

"Dammit." the brunette uttered under his breath, leg paused in midair, ready to kick Hijikata's head clean off his shoulders.

"I'm actually going to die here this time, aren't I. Isn't there anyone else, please, anybody?"

As if on cue, the sound of four skulls (and one pair of glasses) simultaneously cracking against metal lockers rang across the room.

Hijikata slowly turned around.

Five locker doors swung open, dumping five lifeless bodies onto the floor.

Well, at least they _looked_ lifeless, but judging from the swear words spilling out of their mouths, they were all very much alive.

The muffled sounds of "My head!", "It's bleeding!", "Someone call Ketsuno Ana to save me!", "Owwww", "Is that you, Will Smith?" and "AnpanAnpanAnpanAnpan" filled the room.

Then slowly, one after another, the bleeding bodies stumbled to their feet.

There was a shady looking guy with a goatee and sunglasses, a silver-haired samurai with what appeared to be a perm, a bland looking boy with cracked glasses, a long haired samurai who looked suspiciously like a very well known leader of a branch of the Joui Faction, and another bland looking boy who was tangled in a broken badminton racket.

"Hey look Hijikata-san! Some of your friends are here… Oh wait, I forgot, you don't have any friends. Nevermind." said Sougo over his shoulder as he walked towards the new inhabitants of the room.

Hijikata decided to just stand there, blinking, hoping his eyes were deceiving him. It wasn't possible that not one person out of the whole group was actually a decent human being that could help him escape, right?

The author wouldn't do that to him, would she?

Was this even allowed in the rulebooks of writing?

After rapidly blinking for a full minute, he came to the conclusion that what he saw in front of him was in fact reality.

"Oi, Oogushi-kun, what's wrong with your eyes? Crying because you're so happy to see me?" called out an annoying voice belonging to a certain sugar addict.

_Yeah, my situation just got a whole lot worse, didn't it._

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><p><strong>AN:** Yeah, this chapter is all introductions, but don't worry, it gets better.  
>Each chapter will be written from a different character's viewpoint, so it won't be all Hijikata (x<br>Please review, cuz reviews make people happy (and write faster) :D

**A Few Explanations**

Will Smith - referring to Ep.165, in which everyone is sick, and lying in the Shimura dojo. Then Katsura suddenly appears... as Will Smith.

Anpan - Yamazaki's anpan obsession. Wait, it's not really an obsession, is it. It's more like the anpan is possessing him or something.. O.o


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N****:** I finally finished! To reward you guys for waiting (which I doubt you did... but a person can hope, you know?) I'm posting two chapters! Please enjoy!

**Summary:** Suddenly, Gintoki, Shinpachi, Hasegawa, Katsura, and Yamazaki appear in the room! And why were they all brought here anyways?

**Disclaimer:** Gintama is owned by Hideaki Sorachi. If I owned Gintama, I would have named it Kintama.  
>Also, I have nothing to do with the creations of Vocaloids, or people cosplaying as Vocaloids.<p>

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><p><strong>Chapter 2.<strong> Truth or Dare is Just a Way For Deprived People to Get Some Action

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><p>"Oi, Oogushi-kun, what's wrong with your eyes? Crying because you're so happy to see me?" called out an annoying voice belonging to a certain sugar addict.<p>

"…" Hijikata was depressed as _fuck_. He sank to his knees, a dark aura blanketing everything within five metres of his body, content to stay there until he could think up of a way to kill the whole lot of them and escape the place himself. Yamazaki chose that moment to disentangle himself from his badminton racket, and run to the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief's side, shouting annoying things like "Vice-Chief, Vice-chief, are you okay?" and "are you suffering from mayo withdrawal?".

Hijikata decided to knock him out with a well aimed elbow to his head.

Then, he refocused on the rest of the group.

"Okita-san, do you know where we are? All the rest of us don't seem to remember anything.." the bland looking boy, Shinpachi asked Sougo, holding a pair of cracked glasses in his hand. He appeared to be the only one in the dishevelled group with any sense of responsibility.

"I have no idea how we all ended up in this situation either, but don't worry, we'll get you to a paramedic immediately. Don't give up." replied the bored looking brunette.

"Oh, that's too bad… wait, what are you saying? I'm fine… In fact I'm not half as injured as Gin-san and -" started the confused boy, only to be cut off by another voice.

"YEAH, LIKE HELL YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE! I saw those two episodes, you know! Besides, you don't really care about poor Shinpachi, do you? You little bastard!" raged Gintoki. "I can't believe you! How dare you treat him like that!"

"Gin-san…" breathed a wide-eyed Shinpachi, starting to tear up a little (though he actually had no idea what Gintoki was getting so worked up over).

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" continued the silver-haired samurai after catching his breath. "Look at him! His lenses are cracked! There are pieces missing! His frame is bent! He's in critical condition! Look, he's not moving, hell, he's not even breathing – "

Gintoki's head was smashed into the ground before he could form another syllable.

"OF COURSE IT'S NOT BREATHING! GLASSES DON'T BREATHE! Am I seriously just a pair of glasses to you? Is that all I am?" screamed the infuriated pair of glasses – I mean boy… Shinpachi… spectacle… human… thing.

"No, Shinpachi. You must not be impatient. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. Even David Suz*ki had to overcome discrimination as a kid." Katsura joined them, brushing dust from his hair as he spoke.

"Katsura-san…?" Shinpachi grasped at the faint hope that someone (even if that someone was a slightly brain-dead Joui radical) still recognised him as a human being.

"Do not fret, for even cracked glasses can one day rise up and topple this corrupt Bakufu government and free the people of Edo from Amanto claws!" The long haired samurai clapped Shinpachi on the back, eyes bright, smiling encouragingly.

His head was swiftly imbedded into the concrete floor, right beside Gintoki's.

"WHY DO ALL OF YOU THINK I'M A PAIR OF GLASSES? And anyways, Katsura-san, you're completely off topic! What are you even trying to say?" screeched Shinpachi, the already cracked pair of glasses shattering into a million tiny pieces in his tight grip.

A muffled mumbling could be heard from the pile of rubble around the Joi radical's head, but before anyone could figure out what he was trying to say, Sougo stepped over the carnage created by Shinpachi, and tugged on Katsura's chain, pulling the samurai's head out of the ground.

"You are under arrest for treachery against the Shogunate. Please do not resist, or I may have to kill you."

Katsura's seemingly dead (or at least unconscious) body continued to stay still and unmoving.

Hijikata raised his head, which had been hanging lower and lower as he listened to the stupid conversation the idiots were having.

"Oi, Sougo. We're all chained up here. How are you supposed to arrest him when you don't even know where we are?" There was not an ounce of emotion in the raven-haired Vice Chief's voice, dark circles already starting to form under his eyes.

"Oh, well I was hoping when Kondo-san found out about my brave capture of a wanted criminal under extremely dangerous conditions, he would promote me to Vice-Chief and leave you to die." the sadist in question answered good-naturedly.

"…fuck you Sougo."

Suddenly a crackling of static was emitted from the monitor on the wall opposite them.

Hijikata immediately jumped to his feet, eyes riveted toward the grainy image on the screen, the sudden movement making him slightly dizzy for a few seconds.

Hope sparked in his heart.

_I'm ready for you, Jigzaw. This time, I won't hesitate to cut off anyone's head if it means I get a chance to escape. Hurry up, I'm dying here!_

A voice spoke.

"Hello, all my lovely humans. I see you are all awake."

The voice did not belong to Jigzaw, or Hiro-kun, whoever he was. In fact, the voice did not even belong to a male.

Hijikata focused on the video playing on the screen, squinting to make sure his eyes weren't failing him.

There was definitely no creepy, masked figure staring back at him. Instead, there appeared to be a teenaged girl cosplaying as… Hatsune Miki*? (Don't ask him how he knew, the demonic otaku sword had ensured he had kept up to date with anything 2D that was subject to otakuism)

"Let me introduce myself. I am what is known as a fangirl, an empty existence born from nothingness. I have nothing, except for my anime/manga/doujinshi collection, and the fellow fangirls I meet at anime cons." The girl paused to smile at something behind the camera that was filming her. A sudden burst of high pitched giggles erupted from behind the camera.

_Damn. There's more than one of them. And where the hell is Jigzaw? How come he was suddenly replaced by a couple of fangirls? What the hell is going on here?_

"Let me explain your situation. Look around you." the cosplaying fangirl continued.

Hijikata looked around.

Same room as before, same people as before (although Yamazaki had woken up unbeknownst to him and had joined the rest of the group on the other side of the room , Shinpachi's glasses were magically fixed and resting on his nose, and everyone seemed relatively uninjured despite all that had happened).

_Is the author really that lazy? Is she really going to skip describing how the blood miraculously vanished and how a pair of brand new glasses appeared out of nowhere just for her own writing convenience? Besides, if she can do all this, why can't she just hurry up and teleport me out of here?_

Hijikata's train of thought was interrupted by the fangirl's voice.

"Have you had a good look? Good, because these will be the people you are staying with for the next few days… or maybe weeks…months…years…. Or maybe even forever!" At this point the girl's face had morphed into something extremely evil and burst of giggles could be heard.

"But let me get straight to the point. We fangirls have brought you here to do one thing, and one thing only. And that is… (insert dramatic pause)… to play Truth or Dare!"

The room echoed with expressions of confusion and disbelief.

"Please, please, quiet down. I will now explain the rules. We fangirls pick who's going, and whether they get a truth or a dare. Then, we pick the truth/dare for you. Sound good?" The girl smiled sweetly.

"That's not even fair!" Hijikata objected. "Why don't we have any say in this? And why do we have to play truth or dare with a bunch of other guys? Just what are you planning?"

"Oh… did I forget to mention something? We aren't just fangirls… we're _yaoi_ fangirls." the girl smiled manically, a strange light glinting in her eyes. "Oh, and just to let you all know, if you do not do a dare, or do not answer a truth, then the author-san will make you experience one of your worst fears. I'm sure you don't want that to happen…"

_Oh what the hell? These crazy freaks have connections with the author? This situation is just getting worse and worse…_

Over to the side, Gintoki seemed to be freaking out and demanding a carton of strawberry milk, Shinpachi and the shady looking guy (what was his name? Hasegawa?) seemed to be trying to comfort him, Katsura was mumbling something to himself about overthrowing the Bakufu, Sougo was still holding on to Katsura's chain, a bored look on his face, and Yamazaki was struggling to fix his broken badminton racket with his teeth.

_Why is there not a single person here that could help me escape? How come none of them are resisting? Why did it have to be them?_

"Well, let's not waste any more time… the first dare will be done by Gintoki Sakata. And since I'm personally a huge GinHiji fan, his dare will be to sit in Hijikata's lap, and do anything, anything _sexual _I mean, of his choice for two minutes." Giggling and murmurs ofanticipation were heard from behind the camera.

Gintoki slowly turned his head to stare at Hijikata, a deer-in-the-headlights look in his usually dead-fish eyes.

"Oh, and we forgot to mention another thing! Whoever is doing the dare will be automatically freed from their chains! Of course, once you're done your dare, the handcuffs will automatically re-lock themselves around your hands (courtesy of author-san's ability to make anything happen) to prevent anything unexpected. Now, go, let's not keep the fangirls waiting!" The screen flickered off.

A click could be heard in the dead silence of the room, as the handcuffs that were once around Gintoki's hands dropped to the floor.

Hijikata cursed the day he was born.

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><p><strong>A Few Explanations (actually just one explanation...)<strong>

*Hastune Miki - I'm pretty sure you all know this one, but in case you don't, it's a parody of Hastune Miku, a Vocaloid.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Just so you don't get confused, the words _like this_ are Gintoki's thoughts, and the words **_like this_** is the author telepathically communicating with him. Somehow.

**Summary:** The dare. From Gintoki's POV.

**Disclaimer:** Of course, if I owned Gintama, it wouldn't be half as funny, but there certainly would be a whole lot more fanservice...

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><p><strong>Chapter 3.<strong> Strawberry Milk is Worth Two Bars of Gold on Some Planets, You Know

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><p>Gintoki was horrified. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have been Sougo, or Yamazaki? They interacted more with Hijikata than he did, right?<p>

He turned towards the raven haired mayo addict, who was regarding him with a haunted look in his eyes.

Why did it have to be _yaoi_ fangirls of all people?

_If it had been normal fangirls, maybe they could have gotten Ketsuno Ana to play with my joystick…_

His eyes glazed over, the corner of his mouth twitching up, a little bit of saliva dribbling out as his mind wandered.

Finally, he noticed the strange look Hijikata was giving him, as if he was torn between killing the silver haired samurai and getting as far away from him as possible. All the other people in the room appeared to be staring at him with the same half disgusted, half disappointed look.

Except for Sougo, who was expressionless as always, and Hasegawa, who was looking slightly hurt.

"OI, I WASN'T THINKING WHAT YOU THINK I WAS THINKING!" Gintoki rapidly wiped the saliva off his chin with his sleeve, smearing the blood that was dripping from his nose across his cheek. "I swear the nosebleed is just a late effect of all the abuse I got earlier! It wasn't because I was thinking about the dare or anything like that! What's with all the looks of doubt you guys are giving me? Why would I ever think about _that guy_ in _that way_? No seriously!"

All the occupants of the room turned away in disgust, ignoring him and starting conversations among themselves in the corner farthest from where he and Hijikata were standing.

"Gin-san, I always knew you were a pervert, but never that much of a pervert. Anyways, what's happened has already happened, there's no point in denying it now." said Shinpachi emotionlessly with his back to the sugar addict.

"Yeah, Danna, it's okay. Besides, don't tell anyone, but Hijikata-san always fantasizes about you too, so you don't have to worry about a thing." Sougo added, voice raised a bit louder than necessary.

"SHUT UP SOUGO I'LL KILL YOU! Don't spread false rumours about your superior! The moment I get unchained, you're a dead man!" Hijikata roared, handcuffed hands waving around behind his back wildly.

He was also blatantly ignored.

Hesitantly, Gintoki turned around to face the seething raven-haired mayo freak.

"Oi oi… this isn't really happening, is it? I don't really have to… **** and **** _that _guy, right?" he asked nervously. "Technically, I could somehow break out of this room now that my hands are free, right?"

Suddenly, he heard a voice inside his head.

_**You cannot break out of this room, so don't even think about it. Also, if you do not do this dare, you can say goodbye to strawberry milk forever.**_

_AIIIIIEEEEEEE, who's that? And what are you doing inside my head? And what do you mean I can't break out? And what's this about strawberry milk?_

_**I am the author. I can do whatever I want. And I'm saying, if you don't get your butt over there right now, you'll never taste strawberry milk again.**_

_Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyy? Why is this happening to me? Why do you hate me so much? What has poor Gin-san ever done to you?_

_**Well… I happen to be a GinHiji fangirl myself, soo…**_

_WHAAAAATTTTT?_

_**Now, go and do it. You know what will happen if you don't.**_

_No wait! WAAAAIIIITTT! Can't we talk it over? Please? _

The voice was gone.

Gintoki blinked slowly a few times, before reluctantly walking over to where Hijikata was standing, body moving jerkily, cheeks hollow and eyes haunted. What in the world was he supposed to do now?

As soon as he got within five metres of the mayo freak, he was blanketed by a dark, menacing aura, chilling him to the very bones. The room temperature seemed to drop by 10 degrees, and the closer he got, the more his senses screamed at him to get away as quickly as possible.

Hijikata's head was lowered, eyes shadowed, his whole body absolutely trembling in rage, anger rolling off him in waves.

_He'sgunnakillmehe'sgunnakillmehe'sgunnakillme… KAMI-SAMA, WHERE ARE YOU? I'm going to die, HEELLLPPPP MEEEE!_

He came to a stop about one metre away from the raven haired Vice Chief.

"So, uhh, Hijikata-saaaaan? Umm – "

"Get the fuck away from me, you freak." growled the man in question.

"Uhh, heh heh, well you see, I'm afraid I can't do that – "

"No, die, you perm head."

"Ahh, just – "

"No."

"Wait – "

"No. I will not – "

"No, wait a sec – "

" – stand for this kind of – "

"Just – "

" – treatment. No way am I playing some twisted game with you guys. Now if one of you can help me get these handcuffs off, I am going to go and personally murder those crazy fangirls, and the author herself if I have to." the raven haired man finished, voice smooth with a deadly sort of calm.

Gintoki lost it.

He took one stride forward, clamped both hands on Hijikata's shoulders, and started shaking him back and forth quite violently.

"But if I don't do it the author is going to take away all my strawberry milk FOREVER and you know how since she's an author she can do anything right? It's not like I wanna do this either, you know? Please, I'll give you 300 yen!" he screeched, voice rising in desperation, eyes crazed.

"Why should I care what happens to your strawberry milk?" retorted Hijikata, unable to get out from Gintoki's iron tight grip thanks to his chained hands.

"But think about it! If the author can take away my strawberry milk, she can take away your mayonnaise and cigarettes too, right?" pleaded Gintoki, grasping at any argument he could think of to convince the mayo freak.

Suddenly, Hijikata's struggling came to an abrupt stop.

Gintoki glanced down in surprise at the now rigid body of the man in his hands.

"M…my… my mayonnaise?" stuttered Hijikata, eyes filled with horror at the thought, the menacing aura disappearing in a heartbeat.

Gintoki saw this is as his chance.

"Yes, even your mayonnaise. But luckily, Gin-san has a plan. See that box in the corner over there?" Gintoki pointed towards the box that Sougo had gotten out of, lying in a shadowy corner of the room. "If we sit on there, my back will be to the monitor, which is where the fangirls are probably watching us from. We just have to _look_ like we're doing something sexual right? We don't have to actually _do_ anything."

After a moment of silent contemplation, Hijikata nodded mutely, mind probably still off in Mayoland somewhere.

And so the two walked over to the box, both dreading what was to come.

As Hijikata sat on the box, however, a bit of his old self returned.

"If you even _dare _do _anything_, I swear I'll kill you." he hissed.

"Like I would ever do anything to _you_. You're not as attractive as you think you are, Hijikata-kun." Gintoki sneered, before settling himself on Hijikata's lap, facing the raven haired mayo freak.

It wasn't the most comfortable place to be, but it certainly wasn't the worst lap he had ever been on (the fact that he had once worked as Paako-chan in Mademoiselle Saigo's crossdressing bar meant he had a lot of experience in matters like men's laps).

He really hoped Ketsuno Ana wasn't somehow watching this right now.

And leaning in before he had a chance to regret it, he started nuzzling Hijikata's neck with the tip of his nose.

_Just pretend he's a hot girl with huge tits, don't think about it, two minutes will be over in no time… it's my strawberry milk that's at stake here, I have to do this!_

Ignoring the shrill fangirl screams in the background, and the obvious fact that everyone was watching them, Gintoki feathered his lips lightly over the exposed skin of Hijikata's neck, trying to come into as little contact as possible while making it look convincing.

_Two minutes, it's just two minutes… just two minutes of this and my strawberry milk will be saved – _

Then, he noticed something.

Each time his lips glided over his skin, Hijikata gave a little, almost unnoticeable shudder.

Gintoki glanced up, to see a light blush spreading across pale skin, lips parted, and eyes hidden behind raven coloured hair.

Was it just him, or was the mayo freak _enjoying _it?

His lips curved into a smile that could only be described as mischievous (or maybe even slightly evil), as an instinctive urge to torture the man before him spread through his body.

He blamed it on the fact he was born a slight sadist.

Plus, this was revenge on the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief for ruining his day on more than one occasion.

"Oi, Hijikata-kun… what's with the trembling? Something bothering you?" he drawled into Hijikata's ear.

"T-trembling? Who's trembling? Definitely not me." the raven haired man retorted, voice wavering just the slightest bit.

Gintoki merely smirked at this, and proceeded to lick, then suck at Hijikata's earlobe.

And this time, Hijikata definitely shuddered.

"No, I'm pretty sure you're trembling, Hijikata-kun. Something you need to tell me?" he asked slyly, laughing inwardly at Hijikata's reaction.

_It's almost like he's never done anything like this before… what a prude._

"Oi, you said you wouldn't do anything! And besides the trembling is just… you know… from… nicotine withdrawal or something." protested the mayo freak quite unconvincingly.

"Yeah, okay." Gintoki traced his tongue along Hijikata's jawline, eliciting a small gasp from the man.

"I totally believe you." And with those final words, Gintoki tilted his head and pressed his lips against Hijikata's, wrapping his arms around the man and placing a hand on the back of his head so he couldn't tear away.

He was surprised at how willingly Hijikata parted his lips, and how easily he let the silver haired samurai's tongue slip into his mouth.

Gintoki settled more comfortably on his lap, deepening the kiss. He almost laughed again when he felt the beginning of an arousal nudging against his inner thigh.

_Looks like somebody's chi*ko is getting excited…._

Hijikata's taste, he couldn't quite describe. It didn't taste like smoke, or mayonnaise, like Gintoki had expected. It wasn't even a mix of the two. In fact, he had to admit, it was actually quite _nice._

Nothing compared to strawberry milk, though.

Then, as suddenly as he had initiated it, Gintoki broke off the kiss. He stood up, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"Oh, looks like two minutes is up, Hijikata-kun. I guess I'll leave you here to deal with your 'nicotine withdrawal', then." He flashed the slightly panting Hijikata a gruesome trollface, then turned his back on the Shinsengumi Vice Chief as the handcuffs materialized on his wrists, chaining him yet again.

"Ahh, damn, I was hoping they'd forget about the whole re-handcuffing part." he complained dejectedly to himself as we walked over to the rest of the group on the opposite side of the room, amidst the piercing fangirl screams and shouts of "more!" and "you should have made it ten minutes!" erupting from the monitor.

"That was great, Danna. I've got it all on film, too." Sougo greeted him with a pat on the shoulder, as he pulled a video camera out of what appeared to be thin air.

"Eh? Umm… Okita-kun… whats that supposed to mean? What do you mean you've got it all on film?" chuckled Gintoki nervously.

Sougo promptly started replaying their one minute makeout scene on the camera he had in his hands.

"AAAAAGGHHHHHHH!" Gintoki screamed, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

One second later, the camera was lying on the floor, in a million pieces, courtesy of a certain silver haired samurai's foot.

"Damn, that was a brand new camera too. Oh well, at least I copied the file on to a back up SD card." The brunette sighed, regarding the destroyed camera.

"How did you even manage to do that? Please, take pity on poor Gin-san, if this gets out Ketsuno Ana won't ever want to **** or ***** or ****** with me!" shrieked Gintoki, desperately patting Sougo's uniform for any traces of an SD card.

"Uh… Gin-san. You do realize all of us were here the whole time, right? You should be more thoughtful of your actions, now we'll probably get pulled off the air because of what you did." scolded Shinpachi.

"Oi, oi, what's with that condescending look you're giving me? I didn't do anything, it was all him!" interjected Gintoki, pointing at Hijikata, who was still sitting on the box. He appeared to be… mad to say the least. The menacing aura was back, and Gintoki could swear he was hearing the wails and groans of ghosts and demons coming from that general direction.

"A-actually… nevermind, it wsn't him. I-it was all me. Forgive me father for I have sinned! Please, j-just don't let me get possessed by a stand! Gin-san is too young to die!" he stuttered, staring in terror at the dark spirits swirling around Hijikata's livid form.

Suddenly, the monitor on the wall crackled to life again, causing everyone's heads to snap immediately to attention.

"Well, well, that was certainly better than we expected, ne, girls?" the Hatsune Miki cosplayer gushed, wiping away at a nosebleed. The fangirls behind the camera giggled and shrieked in agreement.

"But, let's not waste any more time," she continued. "Next up is…

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **OOC characters are OOC TT_TT sorry bout that, I tried my best, but by the time I was finished, I couldnt tell whether they were in character or not, and I don't have a beta... soo...

On another note, I have a new idea from now on. You, the reviewers/readers (also known as fangirls/fanboys) get to input your ideas too! You can review with your idea for the next dare, as well as the pairing you want. I will choose one of your ideas, and use it in the story! :D (of course, I'll credit you for it) Each new chapter will have one dare in it, but they probably won't take as long to write as these two chapters did.  
>So please review with your ideas, or just review in general! (:<br>(can you guys tell I'm a reviewwhore..?)


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